The Legend of the Evil Spork

Characters
Narrator (N)
Spork
Coaster
Spoon
Fork
Dish


(Eerie music playing in the background as Narrator speaks)
N: All over the world there exists a thing that many people have never heard of. This thing is known as the spork. If you are one of these people who doesn’t know what a spork is, allow me to describe it for you. A spork is a very special kitchen utensil, rarely found in most homes, despite its usefulness. This tool is used for eating, very much like a spoon and a fork. In fact, that’s exactly what it is. A spork contains the rounded shape of a spoon, with the tines, or prongs, of a fork. There is no doubt that an instrument of consumption such as this is pure evil. The spork’s aim is, and always has been, to become the most essential kitchen utensil. Unfortunately, there is one flaw to this almost perfect device. If the spoon goes on the right, and the fork goes on the left, where does the spork go? It is this single defect that has so far thwarted the spork’s conquest over the world of cutlery. However, this utensil is not just evil, it is also extremely cunning. Now, after years of plotting, the spork has come up with a plan that, if successful, will forever change the way we eat our meals.
(The eerie music is loud for a moment, then dies back down)
N: The Spork wastes as little time as possible, immediately explaining its scheme to its evil accomplice, the Coaster…

Spork: Coaster, I have finally thought of the perfect plan to accomplish our goal! It is so complete! So foolproof! So incredibly devious!
Coaster: That’s great news, Spork! So we’ll finally accomplish our goal... what goal?
Spork: Our goal to rule the kitchen!
Coaster: Oh, that goal… well, it’s not really our goal, now is it? I mean, I know you want to overthrow the leadership of the spoon and the fork, but how does that affect me?
Spork: It affects you because if you help me to defeat my enemy, I’ll help you to defeat your enemy.
Coaster: My enemy? Who do you mean?
Spork: I mean, the Saucer.
Coaster: Oh, the Saucer doesn’t bother me that much. I know they’ve taken my job with tea cups, but no one uses saucers for any other drink.
Spork: Oh really? Then you’ve never heard of the Coffee Cup Saucer, or the Gravy Boat Saucer? I haven’t heard of many cups coming with matching decorative coasters.
Coaster: …There’s a Coffee Cup Saucer?
Spork: People barely ever use coasters anymore. They find saucers to be far fancier.
Coaster: …What’s your plan?
Spork: As I said before, it’s brilliant! We will abduct the Spoon!
Coaster: …And…?
Spork: And… without the Spoon, people will be forced to use me instead, and who needs a Fork when you’re already using a Spork!
Coaster: …Is that it?
Spork: What do you mean, ‘is that it?’ It’s the perfect plan!
Coaster: Right… how long did it take you to come up with this?
Spork: There’s no time for that, Coaster. We can discuss the amount of hard work I put into this brilliant scheme later. Come! We must hurry!
Coaster: Why?
Spork: Because… there’s no time to explain!

N: The Spork and the Coaster wander until they find the Spoon sitting alone a fair distance away, unaware of the danger creeping toward it.

Spork: (Whispering loudly) Alright Coaster, we need to capture the Spoon before she even realizes that we’re here. That means that we must be absolutely silent… Don’t say a word unless it’s absolutely necessary… In fact, even if it is absolutely necessary, try to find some silent alternative, like winking, or a visual of some sort… We’re getting pretty close, so now it’s not only important that we don’t speak, we also need to move as silently as possible… You’re still moving pretty loudly. Try to follow my lead… Look, I don’t think you’re quite grasping the idea of absolute silence—
Coaster: I think she can hear us.
Spork: Quiet!
Spoon: It’s true, I can hear you.
Spork: I told you not to speak, Coaster!

N: The element of surprise now spoiled, the Spork devises a clever way to fool the Spoon into going with it.

Spork: Come with me.
Spoon: Why?
Spork: Uh… it’s a surprise…
Spoon: Really? I love surprises! Sure, I’ll go with you… wait… aren’t you the Evil Spork?
Spork: No.
Spoon: Oh, okay then… wait… are you sure you’re not the Evil Spork? You look like it.
Spork: No, I’m… uh…
Coaster: He’s a new kitchen utensil; a mixture of a spoon and a fork.
Spoon: Isn’t that a spork?
Spork & Coaster: No.
Spoon: Oh, okay then!

N: And so the Spork and the Coaster take the Spoon to an enormous pot of water, which they force it to jump into.

Spork: Go in there.
Spoon: Okay… wait… that’s a lot of water. I might not be able to get out.
Spork: Yes, you will.
Spoon: Oh, okay then… wait…
Spork & Coaster: Just go!
Spoon: Okay… (Sound of water splash) Help! I’m sinking!
Spork: No, you’re not.
Spoon: Oh, okay then… (Gurgling in the water) wait…..

N: Just as all seems lost for the Spoon, the Fork happens to stroll by and notice the Spork and Coaster suspiciously hanging around a giant container of water.

Fork: What are two doing here? Coaster, shouldn’t you be on the table; and Spork, shouldn’t you be… deep in a drawer somewhere?
Spork: Not anymore! I’m taking over the entire kitchen! You’re about to join the Spoon!
Coaster: You’re taking over the entire kitchen? Hey, whatever happened to our goal to rule the kitchen?
Spork: Be quiet, Coaster. I’m the one in charge here!
Coaster: What? Who decided that?
Spork: I did. Who else? It’s not like you ever came up with a plan.
Coaster: I could come up with plans like yours in five seconds. (Mimicking) Hey, let’s kidnap the spoon. What a brilliant plan!
Spork: Well it wasn’t me who almost screwed up the plan by being so loud when we were sneaking up on the spoon!
Coaster: Are you kidding? It was you who was being so loud! I don’t know why I ever agreed to work with such an idiot!

N: As the spork and the coaster continue to argue, the fork glances around and spots a large serving dish sitting nearby.

Fork: Hey, can you help me?
Dish: Hmm? What is it?
Fork: A friend of mine is trapped in that pot of water over there. I’m too small to reach her myself.
Dish: I see. So you’d like me to get her, then?
Fork: Would you?
Dish: Certainly. I’d be glad to help.
Fork: Thank you.

N: When the fork returns with the dish to the container of water, it finds that the spork and coaster are still arguing, unaware that the fork ever left. Quickly and quietly, the serving dish scoops the spoon out of the water, and the three of them flee toward the cutlery drawer.

Spork: It was my goal, and my plan. You’re the one helping me. In fact, you haven’t even done all that much helping.
Coaster: In that case, maybe you’re better off without me.
Spork: Yes, I think so too. You can just help me throw the fork in the water and then you are fired!
Coaster: Why should I help you do anything?
Spork: Because… because… fine then! I’ll take care of the fork by myself!
Coaster: What fork?
Spork: What fork? What are you…? Hey! Where did the fork go?
Coaster: Look, the spoon’s gone too.
Spork: What? Where is she?.. Over there! That dish is running away with the spoon... and the fork!
Coaster: (Muttering) Hey, diddle diddle…
Spork: What?
Coaster: I didn’t say anything.
Spork: …Come on! I can’t catch them by myself!
Coaster: Well, that’s unfortunate, isn’t it?
Spork: Aren’t you going to help me?
Coaster: Did you completely forget what we were arguing about? Why should I help you?
Spork: Because… because this is all your fault! I told you to get a massive pot of water!
Coaster: And I did. What’s your point?
Spork: You call this thing massive? It’s minuscule!
Coaster: It’s the biggest container around!.. Forget it, I’ve had enough of this. I’m leaving!
Spork: Fine then! Leave!... Stupid pot! Take that! (Metallic bang) OWWW!

N: And so the world is back the way it should be. The spoon and fork remain the leaders of the kitchen, and the spork returns once again to its place in the ignored region of the cutlery drawer. However, the spork will never cease its scheming, and the day will come when it devises a new, and possibly better, plan; for there is no utensil of more unrelenting malice than the evil spork.